Did you see the gorgeous full moon on Wednesday night? It was the vernal equinox as well. I cast circle with friends out in the desert at Apache Lake Park. We released that which no longer served us, and filled that space right back up with positive, loving vibes for the future. Such an inspiring and magical night.

Normally Easter falls right after Ostara and the equinox, but this year it’s later. Did you wonder why? Well, Easter falls on the first Sunday following the first full moon following the vernal equinox. But, by ecclesiastical rules, the equinox is fixed on March 21. That mean this week’s full moon did not take place after the equinox, even though, according to astronomy, it did. The upshot is that 2019’s East Sunday will fall on April 21.

By the way, the name Easter is as pagan as it gets, named after Eostre, the virgin goddess of spring in ancient Germany. The lily, appropriated as a Christian symbol of death, was a symbol of life in pagan Greece and Rome, where it adorned Ostara altars and temples. Young men, playing the role of the lusty young God, would present them to the women they were courting. Accepting the lily meant much the same thing as accepting a diamond ring does now. And that’s why lilies are used so often in bride’s bouquets.

The idea of wearing new clothes at Easter also came from an earlier Teutonic pagan tradition. It was considered the worst of luck to wear one’s spring clothing before Ostara, and the Teutons would work through the winter in secret to prepare elegant outfits for the Sabbat celebration.

The lamb is another symbol of Ostara, and was sacred to virtually all the virgin goddesses of Europe, the Middle East, and North Africa. This symbol was so ingrained in the minds of the people of those regions that it was carried over into the spring religious rituals of the Jewish Passover and Christian Easter.

Of course, the most pervasive symbol of Easter and Ostara festivals is the egg. Since antiquity, eggs have been the universal archetype of new life, and are carried as fertility amulets, decorated to honor deity, placed in baskets and on spring altars.

The modern belief that these eggs are delivered by a rabbit known as the Easter Bunny, comes from the legend of the Goddess Eostre. So much did a lowly rabbit wish to please these goddess that he laid the sacred eggs in her honor, gaily decorated them, and then humbly presented them to her. Eostre was so pleased with her gift that she ordered the rabbit to go throughout the world and deliver these little gifts of life.

If you’d like to use natural dyes for your eggs this year, try these:
Yellow-Turmeric
Orange – Paprika, onion skins (1 is enough for orange; more makes a copper color)
Red – Red onion skins, Cayenne
Violet – Purple grape juice, red raspberries, beet juice
Green – carrot tops
Blue – Blueberries
Pink – Heather

Here are the pagan meanings of the colors:
Red - new life, sexuality, root chakra, Mother Goddess, war, fire.
Orange – God, attraction, summer. Naval chakra
Yellow – Creativity, knowledge, intellect, Solar God, solar plexus chakra
Green – Earth Mother, fertility, prosperity, money, earth, heart chakra
Blue – Healing, peace, astral projection, air, spring, throat chakra
Indigo – Past lives, healing, third eye chakra
White – purification, Virgin Goddess, crown chakra
Pink – Romantic love, peace

If you celebrate Easter, consider this your holiday blessing early.

And if you just want a reason to laugh and be happy, March 25 is Hilaria, or Laughing Day in Rome. Originating from the rituals of Cybele and Attis, Laughing Day is the original Eastern Easter celebration of the resurrection of the Earth. So, go to a comedy club, laugh at least seven times, and make a joke of yourself. Just what the Goddess ordered!

Blessed Be.

Life would be so much easier if only we didn’t have to deal with difficult people. Have you ever felt that way?

I have—for years now. Before we get together, my husband and I are given a list of ‘taboo’ topics to avoid in order to have a peaceful dinner together with one particular person. While that helps us avoid outright battle, our meetings are still tense. My difficult person steps into the room angry and on the defensive, before a word, or even a smile, is exchanged.  

When people come at you with ego venom, many psychologists say the healthy response is twofold: stand up and back away. First, stand up for yourself by refusing to accept the abuse others may inflict. “Stop, I won’t be treated that way.” Or, “I understand that you disagree, but my opinion is also valid.” Then move away and move on--without having to get in the last word. To be compelled to win or to punish is to be caught in the same ego game your offender is playing.

 It takes courage to stand up and say no, and it takes self-confidence to move away without a retaliatory fight.

The result of these two approaches is self-respect. But it’s not easy. And sometimes that two-pronged approach won’t work.

You may find your problem person is utterly incapable of receiving feedback or constructive criticism of any kind. She acts defensively, is determined to justify herself or to show that you are wrong or incompetent. She may not respond appropriately if you stand up for yourself. Here’s why: The ego, especially the narcissistic ego, is tone-deaf to inflection. The slightest criticisms are heard as if they were barbed. A person’s ego actually hears even gentle feedback at a higher pitch than you are using. This activates the predictable reaction of self-protection and makes hearing you impossible.

And if that vulnerable self has fragmented by reason of disappointment or betrayal, rage may arise. This is a result of uncontained—or latent contained—anger. An intact person uses healthy anger to register an “Ouch! I think I’ll avoid you in the future,” A vulnerable ego looks for a way to retaliate, to harm the person who harmed them.

Exercise: Find one example of a strong reaction that occurred this week and look for your shadow in it. Acknowledge this shadow possibility from now on, whenever you are strongly upset by something. Write it in your journal, and also share it in the moment, either with the person who incited it, or with a friend.

Punishing and Placating
Our ego often reacts to painful interactions with others in unhealthy and automatic ways. For instance, when someone snubs us or insults us, our arrogant ego may react with a plan to punish him/her with “an eye for an eye” vengeance, distancing, or sarcasm. Our ego in its victim mode on the other hand, may feel intimidated and react to such rejection with conciliatory or submissive behavior, such as giving in to someone or over compromising. Both sides of the ego are in all of us. We may punish when we are outraged, or placate when we are intimidated. Punishing masks our grief and rage; placating masks our fear.

Exercise: Find an example in our own life of holding a grudge or of attempting to get back at someone for what he/she had done to you. Instead of punishment (even the ‘silent treatment’), approach the other with love and ask for amends without blame. Regardless of whether or not the other person responds, notice how good you feel nonetheless, since you, at least, have done the loving and healthy ego thing. After practicing this for a while, it will matter less and less whether others respond as you wish. The self-expanding feelings in yourself will be sufficient reward, and you will feel better to do good than to get even.

The FACE of the neurotic ego also has a positive, creative side. We find this positive shadow side of ourselves, not by besting others, but simply by losing face.

The F for fear becomes an acknowledgement of our vulnerability while being excited by the unknown. The A of attachment becomes bonding in a committed but non possessive way. The C for control becomes power for not over others. The E for entitlement becomes speaking up and standing up for our rights, but then letting the chips fall where they may. Each feature of the FACE of ego causes pain. Fear is the first because it is the origin of the other three and because it may have happened first in our lives. We attach because we fear loss. We control because we fear grief. We demand entitlement because we fear that things may not always be fair. But there is a healthier condition than the scared-child ego: The adult ego that can work a program of change.

Everyone is occasionally rejected or intimidated. The ego takes poor treatment by others as a personal affront. Punishing and placating are neurotic attempts at controlling and avoiding the painful feelings that arise when we have to confront these normal predicaments of human existence.

The healthy alternative? Admit and feel grief, hurt and fear. Maintain self-protective boundaries in relationships, act assertively (not aggressively), and consistently override the impulse to punish or placate. Practice compassionate forgiveness, let go and move on.
Here is Richo’s list of healthy changes that occur in each of the negative features of the ego when we let go of having to act out its agenda in arrogant and neurotic ways:

As I let go of having to:                                             I become more able to”
Get my way                                                                     Cooperate with others

Be noticed and appreciated by everyone                   Ask for, give, and receive appreciation

Insist my misdeeds be overlooked                              Apologize and make amends

Insist I not be shown up or be proven wrong            Do my best and be open to feedback

Be devastated if I lose face                                           Admit an error and not let others                                                                                                      shame  me

Make demands on others                                            Ask for what I want and be able to                                                                                                      accept ‘no’ for an answer

Always win or be given preference                            Do my best, ask for rightful credit and                                                                                             let go

Have to get back at others                                         Have a sense of justice without the need                                                                                           to punish  
This list, by the way, is the basic definition of groundedness.  To no longer be moved off-center by what others may do.
 
I’m taking a break from shadow work to celebrate Ostara, and then will conclude the shadow blogs with “The Long Bag We Drag Behind Us,” and how our shadow self developed in the first place.

Until then, be kind to each other.
Blessed Be. 

Forgive me.

I worked all last week on a blog about dealing with difficult people. It’s a subject close to home for me, and I struggled, because one of the difficult people in my life is someone I long to care for and enjoy a healthy relationship with. She and I are both failing miserably, and it’s having a negative impact on the people who love us both. I spent the week mired in research, trying to find a positive spin for my topic, and subsequently missed last Thursday’s blog post, and I apologize for the omission. 
​
Interestingly, the further I got into the research, the more frequently I encountered the topic of “shadow self.” Our shadow selves are those dark and hidden places within us that we have refused to shine light on, for one reason or another. Everything that has happened to us in our life…every hurt, every loss, every shame, every personality trait that we have rejected or suppressed…go into our shadow self. Parts of us that we believe are unlovable, unacceptable, dangerous or taboo. It all forms what Jungian psychoanalysts call the “Shadow Self.” 

Most of us prefer to suppress, deny and disown our shadow. David Richo, a psychotherapist who has written several books on this topic, calls our shadow self the FACE—Fear, Attachment, Control, and Entitlement—that we show to feel safe. Our ego is ruled by our FACE and it’s our way of disavowing our vulnerability to our conditions.
As long as we are caught in the dramas of fear and desire, we are stuck in the shadow of ego and not able to access the powers of fearless love.

Why do certain things and people upset us so much? The neurotic, inflated ego, the shadow side of the healthy ego, urges us to control others, place ourselves first at the expense of others, or punish them for daring to cross us. This ego is what makes us believe we are entitled to an exemption from the conditions of human existence. It is an arrogance that is full of the fear of grieving losses and accepting setbacks. 

Inflated ego rears its head when it is challenged. Have you ever noticed yourself reacting out of proportion to a negative stimulus you’ve encountered? A person is curt with you on the phone, and it gnaws at you all day. A driver cuts you off in traffic and you react with ‘road rage.’ A relative disagrees with you, and you decide on the spot that you hate them. What is blowing your reaction so out of proportion? Here are some possibilities:

• *Am I seeing a mirror image of myself? Am I like that driver sometimes? Is it in me to treat people that way? Do I refuse to see and consider the validity of diverse points of view on a topic?  Our negative shadow contains all that we strongly detest in ourselves but cannot see. We tend to see this shadow of ourselves in others, detesting in them exactly what we disown in us. The work is to ask ourselves if what strikes us so deeply about others’ behavior is the clue to a similar trait in us. That’s the “F” in FACE.
• Is my arrogant ego indignant? “How dare she talk to me that way? I’ll be damned if I let her get away with this. I’ll get back at her somehow.” These statements tell us that the entitled controlling ego is enraged at not getting its way. The inflated ego has a dogged dedication to the promotion of its own self-interest, even to the detriment of others, and sometimes even itself. At any slight it becomes aroused, puffs up to full mast, and starts aggressively poking. Like the erect penis, the neurotic ego has no conscience or clarity and does not respond to rationality. This is the “E” in FACE.

 
The work here is to acknowledge this and forego any punitive reactions. This requires a pause between action and reaction. Such mindfulness grants us the freedom to choose a response from a vast repertory, rather than revert to the automatic settings of ego.

• The curtness you met with today may trigger a reminder of a similar wound from the past. You feel hurt and powerless, a signal that your inner child has come to the forefront of your consciousness, to show you where you still feel hurt or afraid. This is the “A” reaction in FACE. The work is to grieve the past hurt by letting feelings about it arise, feel it fully, acknowledge it as legitimate, and then consciously decide it will not prevent you from getting on with your life.

Carl Jung says, “We meet ourselves time and again in a thousand disguises on the path of life.” In fact, he says, we never truly see others. Instead, we see only aspects of ourselves in them.”

   In his book, “Shadow Dance,” David Richo includes a list: “What the Shadow of the Ego Sounds Like.”

Are any of the following sentences a characteristic of you? Do you know others who fit this list?

• * Everyone has to acknowledge my superiority
• * If I am wronged, someone will pay for it
• * Rules don’t apply to me
• * How dare you question me?
• * It won’t be done right unless I do it
• * I deserve a special deal
• * I become explosive if crossed
• * I’m never wrong
• I cannot tolerate having to ask or learn from anyone
• How dare you not realize:

          I have to get my way
          You have to do it my way
         You cannot override my decisions, think for yourself, or act on your own if you want to be close to me.

• I can’t be shown up or shown to be wrong
• I have to be excused for every mistake
• I may be highly insulted by the least slight
• I have to get the last word in. Or storm out
• I can make demands on you but you cannot make demands on me.
• I have to be loved, be respected, and given preferential treatment by everyone, all the time, no matter what! Otherwise, I’ll have to get back at you.

 
Richo points out the words have to and how they reveal the compulsive element of ego reactions. This is the opposite of the pause that makes free choice and new alternatives possible.
 
The way to tell if the sentences listed above are operative in you is to ask, “Can I take what happens simply as information?” If so, you can speak up assertively, refuse to accept abuse, and still feel compassion for people who believe they have to be mean. Events will elicit feelings that you express, but you can let go of them soon and move on. You are not so strongly affected that you lose your own groundedness or boundaries, and you hold no grudges. Furthermore (and I personally think most important), you can receive feedback and even criticism as information rather than as a threat.
 
Your healthy ego may be rankled by an injustice, but you assess your power to handle it and act accordingly. You see a need and mindfully devise a resource to meet it. Out of control or inappropriate reactions point to where your work is.  In fact, this is how overreactions to others can become valuable information about yourself.
 
Thank you, David Richo, for giving me a more in-depth perspective of the shadow self. I realize now that I have some “A” traits in my FACE to work on, some of them newly recognized, some well-known but still prickly.
 
Is there a part of this article that rings especially true with you? Or do you have someone in your life that can check off every one of those “have to” phrases? If so, tune in next Thursday. I’ll be back to tackle dealing with difficult people topic, with Mr. Richo’s help.

Blessed Be, and Happy Saint Pats!