In 2011 my family suffered tragedy while celebrating love. We were at my stepson’s wedding in one state while my father died suddenly in another.
 
On top of the staggering grief of losing him, and the guilt of not being with him, I also mourned that he left before we could say everything that needed to be said between us. Luckily, we had already shored up our relationship. But there were still so many unanswered questions. There just wasn’t enough time.
 
It’s a common lament. After a decade, I still think of things we didn’t discuss. How proud he would be of his grandson. I’d like to ask him how he trained all of his dogs to freeze in place with one short command, when I can’t stop my Australian Sheppard from running across the street to jump on the neighbor. And we barely got started putting together the Wright and Campbell family trees.
 
 It’s too late for me to ask my parents those questions. My husband’s father died much, much earlier than mine. The questions Paul has could fill a book, despite his mother’s attempts to fill in a lot of the blanks.
 
But it’s not too late to talk with our own sons, and Father’s Day seems the perfect time.
 
We have to approach the youngest one gingerly, testing the waters with the barest hint of parental guidance. He is, after all, not yet thirty, but a new father himself, still in the early stages of pushing away, separating and individuating, casting off our advice with an irritated exhale and a monosyllabic reply. But with a five-year-old and a second son on the way, he’s gonna need us, whether he wants us or not.
 
That’s okay. At some point soon in his life, maybe when this second baby of his is born in just a few months, he will have questions for my husband and me.
And someday, when one or both of his parents are dead, and all those nit-picky but long-lasting questions begin to crop up,  he will find, along with our legal papers and will, all of my journals, which I started when he was in high school, and have added to each year since.  
 
In the meantime, here are some things I’d like to share with my two new fathers, bless their pea-picking little hearts:
 

1. Don’t worry.

It’s a waste of energy, time and emotion. It will tie you up in knots so you can’t sleep. Make you cranky with the people you care about. Worry is fear about the future, but it does nothing to actually change it. Instead of worrying, make the best decisions you can right now. Then let the universe plot your best course.

1. Examination your foundation carefully.

Look deeply at your worldview, what you value, and your personal compass. Then live by it. It will affect every decision you make. Life has a way of uprooting you and tossing you around. Be sure you nail the landing.

1. Choose your friends, don’t just fall in with them.

Your friends will give shape to your life. They will either stunt your growth or urge you on. When you find good friends, treasure them and invest time and effort into keeping them. Be the kind of friend you want to have.

1. Remain a Student.

Look, listen, read, learn. Never stop. Be enthusiastic and curious about a wide range of topics. Find a mentor, a teacher, a spiritual guide. Be open to new ideas and viewpoints for all of your years. Never stagnate.

1. Develop good habits.

Don’t wait until tomorrow to exercise, eat healthy, get up on time, do your best work.  And don’t wait until it’s more convenient to fall in love, save money, or take the time to really listen.   

1. Heal your wounds. No one wants to experience pain, but it’s gonna happen. Acknowledge. Heal.  And don’t fool yourself into thinking the trauma of your childhood has been left in the past. Those shadows grow under the surface, and then, from a random trigger incident, roil up suddenly to engulf you. If you need help with healing, don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help, including professional counseling. Every painful trial is like an oyster, and there is a precious pearl—a personal benefit—in every one; every single one. Repeat that thought like a mantra.
2. Realize that not everything is about you.

So much of our disappointment and frustration with people, jobs--basically with life in general—occurs because we presume that life should go our way. Often, the way people treat you is about them, not you.

1. Be patient.

Our society is programmed to get things instantly and on demand. But life doesn’t always work that way. Push gently on a lot of doors, and believe that the universe has a plan for you. You can’t know what you’re good at or what you most enjoy without sampling a large number of situations. Learn what you want first, then patiently and methodically work at clearing the road blocks in your path.

1.  Be excited for other people’s success.

Remember it’s not all about you, right?  Sincere support of others will get you ahead faster than stepping on everyone else’s fingers to climb the success ladder. Take time to hear what people really want, what they really think. You will never be called a jerk for listening too much.

1.  Don’t be afraid to follow your instincts.

If you think she may not be the right girl, she probably isn’t. Same goes for the right job, the right moral decision. Of all the voices you hear, your own may be the wisest, but hardest to listen to. Pay attention to that knot in your gut when something is a bit off, and also to the pure joy when it’s just right.

1.  Take risks.

Go boldly into the unknown if that’s where your instincts and a bit of reason send you. It may be out of your comfort zone. So what? As a wise friend once said, “Do what you won’t regret. It’s more satisfying than regretting what you didn’t do.”

1. Take sin seriously.

I am a firm believer in Karma. Every act has a reaction. There is no such thing as “getting away with it.” Even if you don’t get caught. Though forgiveness is divine, sin leaves a stain. And that spot is permanent, even if you ignore it and fake like it isn’t there. Karma, child, is the ultimate bitch slap.

1.  Make time to rest and recharge

When you are young, you think you can abuse yourself continually and still recover. So you fill your days and nights to overflowing. But what you do now will eventually take its toll on you physically and mentally. Develop good sleep habits now. Learn to say “no” when you’re over-extended. Learn to meditate. Get your nose out of your laptop and your phone and walk in nature. To learn pure joy, take a dog with you.

1.  Keep your tribe intact.

As you get older, get a full-time job, get married, have children, it becomes harder to make time for anything outside of your tiny personal bubble. But extended family truly is your foundation, and that foundation includes those who came before, as well as those who will follow you. Cherish your own babies, and the babies of those you love. I am constantly dismayed by people who tell me they’ve drifted away from their children, or their parents. Do your best to preserve your familial ties. Treat your parents as tribal elders. Ask them questions: What do they regret not asking their parents? Is there anything that they wish was different between you—or that they would still like to change? How do they want to approach older age, and eventually death, and is there anything you can do to help them? What music do they want played at their funeral? Do they want a “green” burial?

1.  Honor those you love.  

Honor goes hand in glove with love, a verb whose very definition is doing worthwhile things for someone who is valuable to us. Love them, yes, but more than that, give them the gift of your respect. And not just when they're on their best behavior. Dig deeper, really know them. Respect their core. You will love yourself for doing it.
 
Happy Father’s Day. To my dad. To Paul. And to my boys, who are both fathers now, too.
Blessed Be.      

For more than 5,000 years, humans have built sacred cairns surrounded by one or more concentric circles, with spokes or stone lines radiating outward. Based on the number four (representing the cardinal directions and thought to be situated at energy vortexes), sacred circles were used all over the world for ceremonies, as places of worship and to communicate. Just think about the Native American medicine wheels in North America, the mandalas of the East, the Neolithic stone circles of Europe, and the South American Mayan and Aztec circles to name a few. 

lant a current-day medicine wheel garden, we still begin with the circle—the natural shape symbolic of the interconnections of all life. The round designs feature a central focus and four or more paths that carve the garden into pie-shaped beds.

The wheel can be planted with perennial and annual herbs, or feature only medicinal herbs. Or it can encompass a wide variety of culinary, tea, heirloom or healing herbs, grasses, shrubs and cacti. Medicine wheel gardens are intensely personal, and one’s choice of plants, materials and symbolic ornaments reflects the inner garden of the spirit. Start with selections to suit the soil and climate of your site.

I’m going to plant a mix of perennial flowers and herbs whose color at some stage of development coordinates with the colors symbolic of the related cardinal direction. (See the list at the end of this blog). I’m also going to make this a Mother Goose garden to please my 5-year-old grandson. Remember the Simon and Garfunkel song ‘Scarborough Fair’? The refrain “Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme” gave me the idea to include those classic Mediterranean herbs for both color and fragrance. Since my Medicine Wheel will be located next to Paul’s vegetable garden, I’m hoping he will help Alex pick herbs for cooking. Considering how kids love to touch and sniff, I figure growing gardens and growing children are natural complements, right?

Location and Size
Medicine wheels are sometimes built big enough to walk around in. Some are built with a fire pit, an animal skull, or a peace pole in the center. Some are built with animal totems, others with items that hold particular meaning.  Some mark their quadrants with colored flags, depictions of the four Archangels, or stones of personal meaning or from places of power.  Nothing you choose is right or wrong, just make it a depiction of your life. Here are some guidelines that might help in the beginning:

*Put the wheel in an area that is readily accessible but won’t be disturbed. You want to be able to use it, but not have it be a distraction to other activities.

*Put it in a sacred space. Most of the plants I’ve selected require full sunlight, but you may decide the land under your favorite tree is perfect and select shade-loving plants.

*It’s important to ask the nature spirits to give permission for use of the plot of land you have chosen and to bless it. As you build your communication within this space, your creativity will take on a special quality. With sacred intent at work in your space, all your energies will reap greater reward. 

Gather five marker stakes, a hammer, measuring tape, compass and either string or line for marking. Drive a stake into the ground to mark the center of the garden. Attach string to the central stake and using the compass, locate the four cardinal directions (N, W, E and S). Using your string, find them on the circumference and mark them with a stake. The distance from the central stake to the cardinal stakes will decide the circumference of the garden, which is entirely up to you. The only criteria that should be adhered to be a circle cordoned off into four sections.

 I’m making my own outdoor circle 8’ diameter so it will be big enough to walk around and through in any direction, but small enough that it won’t encroach on the dog’s grassy area. So I will measure my rope length at 4’ and pace the perimeter, marking each direction, and placing a fist-sided stone or another anchor stake every few feet in my path.

Depending on the size of your circle, you will need quite a few stones to mark the entire rim, a central circle and the interior lines connecting the east-west and north-south points on the outer circle, so keep the temporary center pole in place until your medicine wheel architecture is in place.

Once your outer stone circle is in place, you can mark the cardinal directions. Stand at the center of your medicine wheel and find north on the compass. Holding the compass steady so the needle moves as little as possible, walk a straight northward line to your stone circle. Set a temporary pole at this point. Repeat the same procedure to find south and place another temporary pole. Now tie the cord you used before one of these two poles and carry it across the circle to the other one. When you stretch the cord taut, you know you’ve done things right if it passes across the center of the medicine wheel. Place marking stones along the path of the cord as a guide for making the giant interior cross, which will divide your medicine wheel garden into quadrants. Take the same steps for finding east and west on the outer circle.

Clear out the interior of the circular garden by removing any sod or rocks. Rake it smooth. If need be, amend the soil with compost and a small amount of bone meal. Any other soil needs will depend on the plants and herbs you choose. In general, soil should be well-draining and slightly alkaline.

Lay plastic or landscape cloth from each outer stake to the center to form paths and then spread your gravel, rocks, wood chips or other material over the paths. Replace the four directional stakes with large rocks. These represent the spirit keepers of each direction and may be adorned with drawings or artifacts.

Use bricks, wood, smaller stones, or even seashells to edge the bisection paths and outline the circle.

​Now it’s time to break ground, make your plant choices and buy your batches. I am planting four of each species in a simple natural clump to encourage healthy growth. My plant choices are listed below by cardinal directions.

 ​But before you begin planting, light a small dish or wand of sage or cedar or lavender stems and smudge the whole area and yourself. Walk around the whole outer circle of your medicine wheel with this fragrant smudge, while thinking how you project will beautify the area. Establish a new balance here with love and gratitude for the land and all the creatures it supports. 

Medicine Wheel Symbols & Plants

Center –The center of the medicine wheel, the Creator, stands alone. The object depicting the Creator force can be a large stone of any sort, a buffalo or steer skull, or an object of deep significance to you. Some ideas for Center: a small contained fire pit or fire orb; buffalo or steer skull; unusual wood piece; large stone or crystal cluster. The Creator is the beginning of life and its ending, the great mystery within all things. Because the Creator is within everything there are no totems associated with this position.

In my design, the heart of the medicine wheel garden will be the tall decorated peace pole I’m planting at the very center. Here I will offer pinches of sacred tobacco and cornmeal, and offer prayers.

Every person who comes into this garden will be invited to bring a small stone to place at the base of the pole with the thoughts, “I lay here my prayers for peace and understanding.” Soon this central area will become a prayer cairn around the peace pole.

North -Represents Earth, a time of hibernation, the place for mental growth and wisdom. North is the direction of night, and actualization of intentions.  It is the resting place of our ancestors and the gateway to what is coming next. It’s the direction for mental growth and wisdom.

For North I’m using a large piece of white alabaster stone with a raven totem painted on it. Raven is my personal totem, so I’m breaking Native tradition by using her instead of white buffalo. Yes, we get to make those choices for our own wheel. The plantings in the North quarter will be WHITE:  sweet alyssum, asteraceae, and Shasta daisy. With them I’m mixing in the herbs Echinacea (purple coneflower), lemon verbena, garlic chive, bearberry and sweet grass if I can get it to grow.

 East (Totem- eagle) – Represents Air for new beginnings and creativity, finding your voice. It is the spiritual direction. The gifts of this direction include spontaneity, playfulness, inquisitiveness and truth saying.

For East I’m placing a large yellow stone and a smoking pipe made of catlinite (pipestone) Plantings will be YELLOW: Daffodil, Butterfly weed, evening primrose, prickly pear cactus, sunflower, and meadowsweet. To bring in the air element, some butterfly herbs: rosemary, milkweed, tobacco or uva ursi, and verbena. Because the sacred plant for the east is tobacco, the pipe seems appropriate.

South (Totem- Coyote) – Represents Fire, growth and self-assurance and enthusiasm. It is the place to meditate on matters of the heart. Growth here is directed exploration. This is the place to seek your visions and ask Creator to point you in the direction you should go—and then follow it rapidly and with vigor
For South I’m using a serpentine stone and a coyote totem.  Plantings will be predominantly RED: bee balm, lobelia cardinalis, Salvia, borage, begonia, and nasturtium. Herbs will include calendula, white sage and yarrow.

West (Totem-Bear) – Represents Water, emotional growth and experience. It is the direction of emotions. Some believe healing comes from this direction.

For West I’m using a large soapstone and a small bear totem .Flowers will be BLUE and PURPLE: Lavender, larkspur, iris, hollyhock, bellflower and verbena. For herbs I’ll add purple chili pepper, skullcap, chamomile, mint and sage. Also some mugwort for dreaming, and some type of wilderness water feature like this one.
Additional details can be added to a medicine wheel garden to personalize it even more. Things like statuary, orbs, crystals, or other garden art will truly make the space into your own sacred space.

Next week I share some reflections on Father’s Day and Summer Solstice.
Until then, work on those gardens! 
Blessed Be.