writerSandy
  • home
  • bio
  • events
  • teaser tuesday
  • blog
  • book of shadows
  • potions & herbs
  • contact

Hollow Bones

"In our life there is a time of wonder. Walking with the ancient ones as they share their world. And the dancing voices are carried by the wind. As I walk this sacred ground, I know I'm not alone, and I thank Mother Earth."  ~Alex Davis, Seneca Cayuga

Difficult People

3/19/2019

0 Comments

 
Picture
Life would be so much easier if only we didn’t have to deal with difficult people. Have you ever felt that way?

I have—for years now. Before we get together, my husband and I are given a list of ‘taboo’ topics to avoid in order to have a peaceful dinner together with one particular person. While that helps us avoid outright battle, our meetings are still tense. My difficult person steps into the room angry and on the defensive, before a word, or even a smile, is exchanged.  

When people come at you with ego venom, many psychologists say the healthy response is twofold: stand up and back away. First, stand up for yourself by refusing to accept the abuse others may inflict. “Stop, I won’t be treated that way.” Or, “I understand that you disagree, but my opinion is also valid.” Then move away and move on--without having to get in the last word. To be compelled to win or to punish is to be caught in the same ego game your offender is playing.

 It takes courage to stand up and say no, and it takes self-confidence to move away without a retaliatory fight.

The result of these two approaches is self-respect. But it’s not easy. And sometimes that two-pronged approach won’t work.

You may find your problem person is utterly incapable of receiving feedback or constructive criticism of any kind. She acts defensively, is determined to justify herself or to show that you are wrong or incompetent. She may not respond appropriately if you stand up for yourself. Here’s why: The ego, especially the narcissistic ego, is tone-deaf to inflection. The slightest criticisms are heard as if they were barbed. A person’s ego actually hears even gentle feedback at a higher pitch than you are using. This activates the predictable reaction of self-protection and makes hearing you impossible.

And if that vulnerable self has fragmented by reason of disappointment or betrayal, rage may arise. This is a result of uncontained—or latent contained—anger. An intact person uses healthy anger to register an “Ouch! I think I’ll avoid you in the future,” A vulnerable ego looks for a way to retaliate, to harm the person who harmed them.

Exercise: Find one example of a strong reaction that occurred this week and look for your shadow in it. Acknowledge this shadow possibility from now on, whenever you are strongly upset by something. Write it in your journal, and also share it in the moment, either with the person who incited it, or with a friend.

Punishing and Placating
Our ego often reacts to painful interactions with others in unhealthy and automatic ways. For instance, when someone snubs us or insults us, our arrogant ego may react with a plan to punish him/her with “an eye for an eye” vengeance, distancing, or sarcasm. Our ego in its victim mode on the other hand, may feel intimidated and react to such rejection with conciliatory or submissive behavior, such as giving in to someone or over compromising. Both sides of the ego are in all of us. We may punish when we are outraged, or placate when we are intimidated. Punishing masks our grief and rage; placating masks our fear.

Exercise: Find an example in our own life of holding a grudge or of attempting to get back at someone for what he/she had done to you. Instead of punishment (even the ‘silent treatment’), approach the other with love and ask for amends without blame. Regardless of whether or not the other person responds, notice how good you feel nonetheless, since you, at least, have done the loving and healthy ego thing. After practicing this for a while, it will matter less and less whether others respond as you wish. The self-expanding feelings in yourself will be sufficient reward, and you will feel better to do good than to get even.

The FACE of the neurotic ego also has a positive, creative side. We find this positive shadow side of ourselves, not by besting others, but simply by losing face.

The F for fear becomes an acknowledgement of our vulnerability while being excited by the unknown. The A of attachment becomes bonding in a committed but non possessive way. The C for control becomes power for not over others. The E for entitlement becomes speaking up and standing up for our rights, but then letting the chips fall where they may. Each feature of the FACE of ego causes pain. Fear is the first because it is the origin of the other three and because it may have happened first in our lives. We attach because we fear loss. We control because we fear grief. We demand entitlement because we fear that things may not always be fair. But there is a healthier condition than the scared-child ego: The adult ego that can work a program of change.

Everyone is occasionally rejected or intimidated. The ego takes poor treatment by others as a personal affront. Punishing and placating are neurotic attempts at controlling and avoiding the painful feelings that arise when we have to confront these normal predicaments of human existence.

The healthy alternative? Admit and feel grief, hurt and fear. Maintain self-protective boundaries in relationships, act assertively (not aggressively), and consistently override the impulse to punish or placate. Practice compassionate forgiveness, let go and move on.
Here is Richo’s list of healthy changes that occur in each of the negative features of the ego when we let go of having to act out its agenda in arrogant and neurotic ways:

As I let go of having to:                                             I become more able to”
Get my way                                                                     Cooperate with others

Be noticed and appreciated by everyone                   Ask for, give, and receive appreciation

Insist my misdeeds be overlooked                              Apologize and make amends

Insist I not be shown up or be proven wrong            Do my best and be open to feedback

Be devastated if I lose face                                           Admit an error and not let others                                                                                                      shame  me

Make demands on others                                            Ask for what I want and be able to                                                                                                      accept ‘no’ for an answer

Always win or be given preference                            Do my best, ask for rightful credit and                                                                                             let go

Have to get back at others                                         Have a sense of justice without the need                                                                                           to punish  
This list, by the way, is the basic definition of groundedness.  To no longer be moved off-center by what others may do.
 
I’m taking a break from shadow work to celebrate Ostara, and then will conclude the shadow blogs with “The Long Bag We Drag Behind Us,” and how our shadow self developed in the first place.

Until then, be kind to each other.
Blessed Be. 

0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Author

    Writer, witch, mother and wife. Order of importance is a continual shuffle.

    Blog Updates

    Yes, I want to become a member of the Blog Updates Mailing List.
    Enter your e-mail address:

    Please confirm your e-mail address:


    Archives

    October 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    April 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    February 2016
    October 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    July 2014
    March 2014
    September 2013
    April 2013
    July 2012

    Categories

    All
    13 Yule Lads
    Beach Wedding
    Beautiful Bride
    Beltane
    Blood Moon Eclipse
    Bucket List
    Caganer Figurine
    Candy Cane Flavors
    Carlton Hill
    Christmas
    Christmas Cat
    Christmas Pickle
    Climate Change
    Corvid Magic
    Crescent Moon Crossing
    Crow Magic
    David Richo
    Deaths In The Desert
    Edinburgh Beltane Fire Festival
    Essential Workers
    Free Book
    Holiday
    Hryla
    Human Smuggling
    Iceland
    Informal Marriage Ceremony
    Jarl Jung
    Love
    Love Potion
    Marriage Blessing
    Maypole
    Mexican Border
    Mindfulness
    Mother's Day
    NaNoWriMo
    Nativity Scenes
    Newlyweds
    Northern Arizona Snow
    No Tomorrow
    Pandemic
    Proposed Import Tax
    Psychology
    Raven Magic
    Scotland
    Shadow Dance
    Shadow Self
    Shadow Work
    Sinoloan Cartel
    Snow Days
    Snow Fun
    Super Moon Eclipse
    Suspense Writing
    Tarot
    Travel
    Trump
    Weird Holiday Traditions
    Wendy Rule
    Yule
    Zen

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.